What To Do If You and Your Partner Speak Different Love Languages

Are you and your partner speaking the same language?

Today, I’m going to talk about what to do if you and your partner speak different love languages. If you missed the last post on love languages, check that out. I introduced the 5 Love Languages and you are going to want to read that before you read this one.

As we discussed last time, we all give and receive love in different ways. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a helpful book for better understanding how you prefer to give to and receive love.

The 5 Love Languages he covers are:

Our question for today is: What do you do if you find yourself in a relationship where you and your partner speak totally different languages?

First, relax. You are not doomed! 

It is very common to be attracted to someone who speaks a different love language. Many couples find themselves speaking different languages. Even if you and your partner do speak the same love language, it’s still likely that you speak different dialects and will benefit from learning exactly how your partner likes their love served.

if you and your partner speak totally different love languages, don’t despair! Just follow these steps:

1) Learn each other’s love language

2) Actively teach your partner how to speak your love language

3) Reward progress not perfection

1) Learn each other’s love language

You must be willing to really learn your partner’s love language in order to love your partner in the way that’s most meaningful to them. Time to learn a new language!

This doesn’t mean that you should stop demonstrating your love in a way that’s most natural to you. It’s supplemental to that. You now have more ways to express love. The result is net positive, with more love going around the relationship.

Learning a new love language or dialect is not about changing who you are or becoming something you’re not for the sake of the relationship. I don’t ever recommend those things. It’s simply a new skill.

If you want the kind of relationship that gets better and better over time – you must be willing to grow and develop new skills. That is the only way it works.

I love thinking of this particular growth area in analogy to learning a new spoken language.

Let’s say you’re a native English speaker and you were to fall in love with a person who speaks French. If they asked you to learn some French, would you say “stop trying to change me. You knew I spoke English when you met me” ?

Probably not! If you really love your partner, you will want to do whatever it takes for them to know that, and to feel it often. Even if it required learning a new language! We are willing to grow for true love.

Now, it’s not necessarily easy. The new love language you are trying to learn might feel unnatural to you.

For example, let’s say your partner’s love languages is gifts, and you almost never buy people gifts or pay attention to things like birthdays or anniversaries. Well then you’ve got some work to do. It is going to take real intentionality on your part to master the skill of gift giving. The payoff, I can assure you, is worth it.

In the beginning, you might need to ask her to make a list of gifts she would enjoy getting. This is where you can help each other out. If you want the actions to be more of a surprise, ask her friends what gifts she might like and keep a running list of gift ideas on your phone – any time she mentions something she likes write it down!

2) Teach your partner how to speak your language

As I’ve said before, teamwork is essential! You must be willing to teach your partner how to love you.

Sometimes my clients have resistance to this because they believe that it will mean less if they have to ask for it. That it won’t be as romantic. Let me tell you, this is one place where we are victims of Hollywood romance and Disney fairytales where just being in a relationship is a direct path to happily ever after. Great relationships don’t just happen!

I absolutely believe that you can have “happily ever after,” you just are unlikely to have “happily ever after” just fall into your lap.

It’s magical thinking to believe that you’ll find a partner who knows what you want before you do and provides it perfectly without you ever having to ask.

To have a successful long-term relationship, both people need to take responsibility for their own happiness. And I believe part of this is teaching your partner how to love you in the way that you specifically want to be loved. I believe that effort will lead to a lot of happiness.

If you love to feel surprised, then you can even teach your partner about how to surprise you or what kind of surprises you like!

3) Reward progress, not perfection

Learning a new language is hard. I tried to learn French for years, and to this day the only thing I can say is “J’aime la pizza” (I like pizza!).

Don’t expect yourself or your partner to be perfect and don’t expect to become fluent overnight.

Reward the progress – don’t wait for perfection.

It is like potty training a toddler. You don’t wait until they go straight to the toilet to praise them. You celebrate every little weird milestone that happens. The first time they say, “I have to pee” instead of just peeing their pants, you celebrate! When they first make it to the toilet – celebrate!

If you wait for perfection, they will give up long before you get there. And some of the first attempts by your partner to speak your love language or dialect might feel a bit like pooping on the floor!!

That’s okay. Just have him clean it up and next time… help him aim higher.

It can feel very vulnerable to try to express love in a new way. Become teammates in learning each other’s love languages and always keep the end goal in mind: A relationship full of love that only gets better over time.

Here is a Pro Tip: If you really want to encourage your partner to learn your love language – reward them in THEIR love language!

The point of understanding the concept of love languages is to be able to bring even more love into your life! It’s not to change how your partner loves you, but to add even more love to what you’ve already built.

You’ve already gotten to the place you’ve gotten to in your relationship knowing what you’ve known about yourself and your partner. This new awareness brings with it new ways of loving that someone special in your life.

To be clear, it does not mean that you can only love your partner in their language – this is just another tool in your tool box!

Next time, we’ll discuss putting to use the understanding of your love languages and turning up the love in your relationship.